Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Everyone Loves A Wedding
My friend's getting married on Saturday..
And I have the honour of being second bridesmaid. For some reason though, second bridesmaid has to go first down the aisle, and it's making me nervous.
Me: "I'd feel better if I had a sidearm.."
Bride: "No sidearms"
Me: "Nunchucks? Quarterstaff? Brass knuckles in the bouquet?"
Bride: "No weapons.. of any kind"
Seriously though, weddings are a dangerous business. They are a magnet for paranormal activity and a veritable buffet for the dreaded Polymorph.
As you well know, the shapeshifting alien known as the Polymorph feeds on the extremes of human emotion. And there's no better place for that than a wedding - fear, anxiety, joy, desire - they're all there in good supply.
At one particular wedding I attended, a Polymorph actually posed as the groom. The vows and rings were exchanged and just as they went to kiss it morphed back into its true form - a hideous, slobberying 9 foot tall alien. Naturally the bride screamed and then splat! - its slimy tongue came out of its mouth and landed on her forehead. It sucked every last ounce of fear out of her, morphed into a large beach ball and bounced away.
Needless to say the cleanup and papertrail of that debacle was immense. It won't be happening again this weekend though. I have hatched a cunning plan. The agency is organising a faux-funeral down the road complete with distraught mourners. That should do the trick..