Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Everyone Loves A Wedding

My friend's getting married on Saturday..

And I have the honour of being second bridesmaid. For some reason though, second bridesmaid has to go first down the aisle, and it's making me nervous.

Me: "I'd feel better if I had a sidearm.."

Bride: "No sidearms"

Me: "Nunchucks? Quarterstaff? Brass knuckles in the bouquet?"

Bride: "No weapons.. of any kind"


Seriously though, weddings are a dangerous business. They are a magnet for paranormal activity and a veritable buffet for the dreaded Polymorph.

As you well know, the shapeshifting alien known as the Polymorph feeds on the extremes of human emotion. And there's no better place for that than a wedding - fear, anxiety, joy, desire - they're all there in good supply.

At one particular wedding I attended, a Polymorph actually posed as the groom. The vows and rings were exchanged and just as they went to kiss it morphed back into its true form - a hideous, slobberying 9 foot tall alien. Naturally the bride screamed and then splat! - its slimy tongue came out of its mouth and landed on her forehead. It sucked every last ounce of fear out of her, morphed into a large beach ball and bounced away.

Needless to say the cleanup and papertrail of that debacle was immense. It won't be happening again this weekend though. I have hatched a cunning plan. The agency is organising a faux-funeral down the road complete with distraught mourners. That should do the trick..

Monday, May 26, 2008

Again With The Rift

Tonight I decided to cook..

I don't get that urge often so I thought I'd better make the most of it and whip up something that'll last me a few nights when inevitably I'll only want to nuke. The result was a delicious potato bake with salmon. I scooped a very fat portion onto my plate and ate it right there at the kitchen counter like the slob that I am.

As I shoved the steaming thousand degree potato bake into my face, I noticed something through the front window. It was an unusual glow coming from the street level below.

A street light? Lights from a car? Someone's plasma tv?
I dropped my fork onto my plate and headed closer to the front window for a look.

Peering down I could see it clearly. A fracture in the bitumen about a foot long.. and glowing green.

Frak.. not again.

This it the third time this year that the rift has opened, spewing God knows what kind of paranormal randomness onto the inhabitants of our sleepy little street. The first time it happened this year the hole was so big I'm sure cars disappeared into it.

The next morning the council sent out a team of gormless road workers to patch it up. The noobs tried to fix it by pouring it full of concrete and bitumen and sure enough after a bit of light rain, it opened up again.

Second time around they ripped up a good stretch of the road and resurfaced it. A better job that time around but we all know that rifts in time/space are unpredictable, difficult to close and highly dangerous. Time to call in the professionals.

Hopefully they'll fix it overnight and not bother me - since I'm on holidays and all. And I refuse to write another mindnumbing incident report. It's only a foot long and I'm sure nothing dangerous could have gotten through from the void.

Just to be sure though, I'm sleeping with a hammer..

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Blog 3.0

I haven't had the best of luck with blogging..

Years ago I used to blog at a fantastic little online community known as modblog. It was by far the best blogging service going at the time. It had great features, was highly customisable and encouraged users to be actively involved in other people's blogs and share their knowledge of its workings.

Sadly though, after a long run of technical difficulties, features gradually stopped working, blog entries disappeared and the last I heard was someone took all the HDs out of the host server and forgot what order to put them back in. Modblog flatlined and was never seen again.

I heard whispers that many users migrated elsewhere, but I unfortunately didn't follow. It was probably a combination of procrastination and the busyness of life that kept me from joining them, but I did try again last year with another service. It just wasn't the same. I tired of it and that blog too is now history.

So this is attempt 3. I'll give it another shot. Why? Well I think I have more to tell, and you my friend, are not going to believe what you're reading..