Saturday, July 12, 2008

Just Another Day In Camden Town


Here is the background information you requested on Creature #I859623-42.

Have you reason to believe it is headed in your direction?

Your friend, as always,

CREATURE #I859623-42

Appearance: Difficult to determine colouring - highly adaptable camouflage abilities. Reptilian in nature; most likely some type of dragon (probably Class D). Quite small, possibly a fledgling, however has at least partially-developed pyro-control. (NB: Approach with extreme caution.)

Origin: We believe it may have entered via the same interdimensional portal used by #I814673-42 - the parasitic creature currently resident in the hair of Ms A. Winehouse of North London.


Our radar team had been tracking the creature for several hours, however, it was proving to be quite elusive. My belief is that it was initially attracted by the high concentration of animal flesh at London Zoo, or perhaps it had somehow gotten wind of the combined celebrity wealth concealed within nearby Primrose Hill. Fortunately for the future of B-grade British films and irritating pop music everywhere, #I859623-42 (affectionately nicknamed 'Pete' by the head of my Tabloid Relations Department) was distracted en route by the cacophony of smells which emanates from Camden Market on a Saturday afternoon.

Paranormal activity in and around Camden is difficult to detect at the best of times. The signs are usually quite subtle - goths begin to shift uneasily on their 10-inch soles, mohawks stand a little more on end, someone orders a caramel mochaccino and winds up with a cafe latte....However, there was no mistaking this event for the aftermath of somebody's bad trip.

I was sitting in my favourite spot, watching an oddly-matched couple across the lock try to swallow one another's lips. The first two gusts of wind were barely noticeable; the third was so strong it blew me back into my chair, stirring the water below into small white caps and blowing Kissing Man's toupee IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. So.....not a naturally-forming air current. My eyes were automatically tracking one possible flight path and I soon saw it against the darkening sky - a patch of cloud that wasn't moving the way Nature intended.

I must admit that part of me was very excited. Dragon lore is something of a hobby of mine, although previous encounters have proven a headache to explain and have often left me wishing for one of Will Smith's flashy-thingys.

I watched the dragon alight on top of a nearby building and disappear again into the background as it folded its wings. It occurred to me at this point that I was ill-equipped to deal with a dragon on my own, comparatively small though it may be.

As it turned out, I was spared the need. Before I had time to scramble for my phone, the Hawley Arms pub and several of the surrounding market stalls were ablaze. Shortly thereafter, the creature took wing again, heading north at top speed.

As I sit now and analyse events, its behaviour seems strange. Dragons do not usually throw fire unless hunting. This being the case, I am forced to wonder why it didn't stay around to finish its meal. I have concluded that the creature was frightened off by something, which strengthens my latest theory - my studies have led me to believe that different dragons (or, at least, different dragon families) use slightly varying chemical combinations to produce their flames. I hypothesise that the smell of burning alcohol within the pub produced the scent of another dragon or dragons, confusing 'Pete' and, accordingly, he retreated.

Due to the pub's location, it has been relatively easy to explain away the blaze by starting the usual half-baked rumours and conspiracy theories about secret gangs and shadowy figures in the dusk. However, we have been unable to locate #I859623-42 or track its flight path out of London and there have been no reported UFO sightings which might give us an indication as to its whereabouts. All appropriate international agencies have been alerted.

Special Agent Muse de Mented
Camden Town, London, United Kingdom
9 February 2008

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