I was with a crew on Sunday night and we were discussing the influence of emo culture.
"I wish my lawn was emo, then it would cut itself", I said in my usual deadpan delivery.
One of my friends nearly inhaled his drink. "Dude, you're sick."
"Hey don't blame me!", I said though a mouthful of gourmet pizza. "I didn't print the t-shirt."
Seriously though, there is going to come a time when all the emo kids are going to grow up, grow out of their skinny jeans and their deep introspection. What kind of support is going to be available for them? That's why we came up with the idea of Emo Rehab.
Successful applicants will be taken through the following comprehensive programme, which aims to turn Emo Kids into happy, emotionally stable citizens.
- Emo kids will be taken to an exclusive secluded resort close to the equator where it will be impossible to wear black skinny jeans due to the excessive heat
- Fringes/Bangs will be trimmed and hair dyed anything other than black
- Bright coloured clothing will be imported from JayJays, Lorna Jane and GAP
- The kids will spend at least 2hrs per day in direct sunlight. That'll get rid of the pasty look
- Diaries are banned but kids may make sandcastles as a form of self-expression (no skull-castles please)
- Musical expression is encouraged during the rehabilitation process and a variety of musical instruments will be provided such as the tin whistle, harp and kazoo
- Emo Kids will eat with plastic cutlery to avoid any.. unpleasantness
- Classes will be conducted each day such as Smiling 101, How To Make Eye Contact and Finding Your Inner Happy Person
- Entertainment is important in the rehabilitation process so students are encouraged to watch educational documentaries like "Third World Living" and "Wars, Coups & Genocide". These videos aim to show that we have many reasons to be happy in the developed world